You Have No Business Believing In Yourself (Do It Anyway)

I've started over...alot. I've left many jobs. I've had to call it quits on many a side project. I've failed almost 10 times as much as I've succeeded. In fact, given my track record, I'm probably be better off just finding a halfway decent gig, sitting in the chair and cashing in on raises as they come. 

I'd like to tell you it's been worth it. But I don't know that it all has. Some of those experiences? Yes. As for the others, you couldn't pay me enough money to repeat my mistakes a second time around. 

Recently, I've felt failure more than I'd like to admit. I went from a stable corporate job to relying almost solely on my partner, in pursuit of becoming a writer. I've asked myself on more than one occasion why I made the choice that I did. Endlessly contemplating when regret ends and the payoff begins.

I've continued to stomach that familiar pang of guilt every time I ask my spouse for just 2 more months to "make it happen." Even more so when he graciously offers me "all the time I need." It stings each time a family member asks why we haven't married. The pain metastasizing as I explain that, due to my lack of income, it's something we simply can't afford right now.

But the moments it hurts the most, are those unexpected moments of failure. Those moments of falling when I didn't know falling farther than I had the day before was possible. When I have to return to all of the loved ones who have supported me along the way and deliver the news yet again: not this time, not today.

By all means, I have no business believing in myself. Like I said, my track record wouldn't convince the worst of gamblers to take a chance on me. But to be honest, I guess the same is to be said of any human walking this Earth. We've got no business believing in ourselves. Believing that we can defy the odds. Believing that that we can change the world. Believing that even after we've failed 1,999 times that that the 2000th time will be different.

We've got no business believing in the exception, the workaround, the miracle or the long shot. But I sure am glad I live in a world where we dare to anyway.

Amina TaylorComment